April and May 2017 are year marks for me. April marked a year since I was in the neuro
critical care unit at the University of Utah hospital with a subarachnoid
hemorrhage, and May marks a year since I’ve been in a wheelchair. This past year has been one of patience,
healing, acceptance, and understanding.
It’s been a long year and I’m glad it’s behind me, but I have the
feeling that the next year is going to be just as hard.
Trying to understand and accept that I’ve had two strokes
(either 11 months or 5 months apart, we’re not sure which) and that they have
caused damage to my body has not been easy for me. I’ve gone over everything that has happened
to me in the past two years almost every night, and I still can’t believe
everything that has happened. I’m
learning to accept all the side effects from the strokes and know that my life
is forever changed. I’m not going to be
able to do everything I once was able to do and know that adjustments and
sacrifices are going to have to be made.
As I have mentioned in past blog posts, damage to my left
foot has occurred because of the strokes.
My muscles contracted and my left foot turned in and is now
deformed. As my foot was turning in last
year, too much pressure was put on the ball of my foot which ended up causing
an ulcer. That ulcer is what initially
put me in a wheelchair. It took six
months of aggressive treatments to get that ulcer to heal. Thankfully it did heal, as the doctors were
not sure it would because of the poor blood flow in my left leg and foot. It took me a couple of months to figure out
and come to the conclusion that once the ulcer was healed I still would not be
able to walk because of the position of my foot. Pretty much it was like déjà vu from when I was nine
years old and had the same thing going on with my right foot. I knew that in order for me to be able to
start walking again I had to have surgery on my foot. It took some time but I finally found the
right orthopedic surgeon for me and I have been very impressed with him. I feel like because I started seeing him
everything else just fell into place, and for that I am very grateful. Heavenly Father has a plan for me and this is
all part of it.
My complex medical history has made my orthopedic surgeon
want to bring in another surgeon who specializes in orthopedic framing. This surgeon is finishing his fellowship back
east but will be practicing here at the U in September. My surgeon wanted me to wait if possible for
this specialist. This specialist happened
to be out here the beginning of May, so I was able to meet with him. He asked me what my goals were and then a
plan was made. My goal of being able to
walk again is doable but it’s going to be a long process. I will potentially have between 2-3 surgeries
on my foot, possibly more depending on how everything goes. Everything also depends on how my foot reacts
when I am under general anesthesia, and my brain isn’t telling my muscles to
contract. I will most likely have tendon
lengthening and tendon transfers done and then my foot will be put in a frame
for 2-3 months. During that time I will
have to adjust the different struts on the frame and it will move my foot back
into a straight position, or as straight as they can get it. I will also have to have a chunk of bone
removed to help lower my arch. After
that I may or may not have to be in a brace (I’m hoping not). I will then start extensive rehab and will
hopefully get back to walking. The
specialist told me that when I have the frame on there is a 100% guarantee that
I will get an infection at the pin sites (not a comforting thought). He told me that I will be in a lot of pain
and that I need to prepare myself mentally for it. He told me that had my goal been to run, that
wouldn’t be possible. In order for me to
be able to run I would have to have my leg amputated. Thankfully that is not my goal, so no
amputation is necessary. My surgery will
more than likely happen in September sometime, although I am hoping that this
specialist will be able to come out sooner to do the surgery so I don’t have to
wait so long. Only time will tell. I’m anxious to start walking again, but
scared at the same time because I don’t know what my limitations are going to
be.
This past year (especially the past several months) I have
been able to see what side effects the subarachnoid hemorrhage has caused. My short term memory has been affected and it’s
been pretty frustrating. I’ve noticed though
that some days are worse than others. I
really started noticing and piecing things together several months ago when two
different things happened. First, I asked my sister a question and then a
minute or two later I asked the exact same question, she gave me a look and I realized
what happened. Second, I went to check
something out on my phone and literally two seconds later I couldn’t remember
what I was going to do. So frustrating! This
happens when I teach my youth in Sunday school but thankfully my youth are
amazing and understand when I can’t remember a question they asked or something
that we were just talking about. Not
only is my short term memory bad, but I have a harder time concentrating and
processing things.
I feel like the past year has been an emotional roller
coaster for me. My emotions have been
all over the place. Some days I would be
just fine and other days I was a mess. I
didn’t know if I could handle everything that I was having to go through or if
I’d be able to handle everything that was going to come in the future. I was upset with everything that had happened
and didn’t know if I could keep going on.
There were many times where I let fear take over my life instead of
faith. When life got to be too much, I
would just cry and start pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father. Those times when I have felt the lowest are
the times when I have really felt my Heavenly Father lifting my burden off my
shoulders. Mosiah 24:14, in the Book of Mormon says, “And
I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you
cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I
do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a
surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.” I have a strong testimony of this scripture! I know with all my heart that Heavenly Father
has lifted my burdens and made them easier to bear. I am so grateful for the
gospel of Jesus Christ and the knowledge that I have. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through
everything that I’ve been through without it.
