For the last few months I have really been focusing on the
Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has blessed my life. I was taught about the Atonement of Jesus
Christ from an early age, but to be honest I never fully knew how to access the
power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and use it in my life. I didn’t understand just how powerful it is
and how it could change and bless my life until about a year ago when I hit
rock bottom and felt all hope was lost.
For some reason I seemed to really struggle accepting
everything that had happened to me the last couple of years (if you don’t know
what I’ve been going through, I explain everything in previous posts starting
July 2016). Every night as I tried to
fall asleep the events of the past couple of years would play over and over in
my head with the same question at the end, “Why did all this happen?” Honestly I had no peace. I was frustrated and felt like I wasn’t
supposed to get better, and there was a time months earlier when my family and
I didn’t know if I was really supposed to make it through everything or if it
was my time to go. I’d be lying if I said
I wasn’t stressed.
With so much going on I felt like I was drowning
emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I was a mess! In May 2017, my
stress levels hit a very dangerous level. With everything that had been going on in my
life, I started to feel like I was a burden to my family and that was the last
thing I wanted. To be honest it’s one of
my biggest fears. Being so stressed,
scared, and starting to feel like a burden, the adversary jumped on board
knowing he could influence me because I was at my weakest point. He whispered to me the solution to my
problems, “end your life.” I was scared
and knew it was the wrong thing to do but in my mind I couldn’t be a burden to
my family, I just couldn’t. I listened
to the adversary and decided to end my life, believing it was the best thing I could
do. Ending my life would mean that I would
finally be free from all the pain (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) that
I had been experiencing and I believed that my family would be better off
without me because they wouldn’t have to deal with everything that I had been
going through and what I will continue to go through. After deciding when and how I was going to
end my life I got down on my knees and told Heavenly Father my plans. I told him I knew it was wrong but I didn’t
know any other way out and I wouldn’t be a burden to my family. I experienced a very dark feeling. I’m sure the adversary was thrilled knowing
he was close to destroying another child of God. I didn’t let on about my plans to take my
life and I definitely did not talk to anyone about the things I was feeling and
planning. I didn’t want anyone to stop
me. I was convinced taking my life was
the best solution. A few days after
making my decision my stress levels continued to rise and I had the
overwhelming urge to just get it over with and take my life. I even went in to the bathroom to get the pain
pills I had planned to overdose with. As
I stood in the bathroom I couldn’t bring myself to grab the pills. I went back to my room and sat down on the
bed. As I was sitting there this thought
came into my mind and heart, “if you take your life you’re not enduring to the
end.” This statement pierced my heart so
much and I knew it was from my Heavenly Father. He knew I wouldn’t listen to
anyone else but knew I would listen to Him.
I knew that by taking my life I was
not enduring to the end and I wanted to show my Heavenly Father that I could
endure to the end despite everything I had and would go through. I no longer felt the need to end my life.
I decided not to tell my family about coming close to taking
my life. I knew how they would react and
I just didn’t want them to know. It
actually took several months before I got up the courage to tell them. They reacted how I expected them to but they
also showed a lot of love and concern for me.
My dad and I came up with a plan on what I would do if these feelings
came back. I was grateful to know my
family was there to listen and that I could turn to them without feeling scared
about how they would react in the future.
After this experience my life didn’t change, I still felt
like I was drowning emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I still felt like a complete mess and was an
emotional wreck at times! I finally got
to the point where I had had enough! I wanted
to feel peace in my life. I wanted to
accept everything that had happened to me.
I didn’t want to be burdened with the question of “why” hanging over my
head. So I finally turned to the Lord
and starting relying on the Atonement of Jesus Christ to take away my
pain. I wasn’t quite sure how to access
the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ but I knew I had to figure it
out. I started praying and told Heavenly
Father I was done feeling like I was drowning and that I needed help, the help that
only the Atonement of Jesus Christ could provide. I knew I would be helped but I also knew that
my pain wouldn’t disappear overnight.
It took months for the Atonement of Jesus Christ to work in
my life. Slowly my heart was changed. I no longer had the events of the last couple
of years playing over and over in my mind every night. I finally came to accept everything that had
happened to me. I no longer felt like I was
drowning emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I started to feel alive and grateful. I started to understand why things happened
the way they did, and I can honestly say that I’m grateful for the way things
happened. Sure I still have some
unanswered questions but it doesn’t matter.
I have learned so much from my experiences and if I had to experience them
all over again, I’d do it in a heartbeat because of the experiences I’ve had and
the things I’ve learned. Trials are
meant to refine us and I feel like I have been refined. I came to understand Heavenly Father’s plan
for me and His role in my life.
My testimony of the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ
has grown so much within the last five to six months. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is
real and very powerful. I know that if
we turn to our Savior, He will help and heal us.
He provided each of us the gift of the Atonement by suffering in Gethsemane,
dying on the cross, and rising again the third day. Because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ we
have access to the Holy Ghost, who helps us to change. I am grateful for the peace that I have felt
and the change of heart that I have experienced. I know that if we turn to our Heavenly Father
and our Savior, Jesus Christ, they will help us through every trial and
challenge we face in this life.
