This Is Me!

 

One of my favorite movies is The Greatest Showman. I love the visual effects, the story line, and of course the music! One of my favorite songs from the movie is, “This is Me.” I love this song because I feel like I can relate to it in my own way. These are the lyrics to this song that I love the most:

....

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away; they say

No one'll love you as you are

....

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

These particular lyrics resonate to me because all my life I have been scared to be seen by people. I have a lot of things wrong with me and I've always been scared that other people were going to judge me based on things that I cannot control. This fear has been a reality at different times throughout my life. I have been judged because of things I can't control, and that has always hurt. There are times when I can say with confidence that I don't care what people think of me, and then there are times when I am very self-conscious.

I have multiple scars and multiple health conditions. I have to wear a brace to help me walk, and as a result of a stroke, I walk with a limp. I can't balance and have to hold on to things to help me stay upright, especially if I am standing in one place. I have neurological problems that affect multiple organs/systems in my body. I get tired really fast and end up gasping for air when I push myself too hard because of my heart conditions. The vessels inside my body shut down whenever they want, and there is not much I can do about it accept exercise like crazy, hoping to stress my muscles so new collateral vessels will grown to help supply blood flow. I have a history of bleeding and blood clots. I have an undiagnosed connective tissue disorder, and as a result, my body has a hard time making collagen.

As a result of all of these problems, my doctors have told me that I cannot have kids. I was told that if I did get pregnant, I had a 70% chance of not ever making it to my third trimester, and even if I did, the pregnancy could do a lot of damage. After fasting, praying, and going to the temple, I felt that I needed to follow my doctor's advice and have surgery to make sure I couldn't get pregnant. While it was hard to take in, I knew that I was meant to have a family through the great blessing of adoption.

Despite the incredible experiences I've had in knowing that I will grow my family through adoption, there are times when I still feel an intense heaviness knowing that I cannot have kids naturally. There is a guilt that comes that cannot be explained, and an overwhelming fear of not knowing where to find the kids that have been prepared for me.

Sometimes, the sharpest words don't come from people, they come from the adversary. He loves to get us down. For me, this has been the case. I have felt inadequate, guilty, like I'm letting my husband down (even though I know he is 100% onboard with adoption), and have even let depression take over at time.

Drowning out the whisperings of the adversary and not letting them take over, is definitely not easy. For me, I have found that when those whisperings are starting to take over, I have to first acknowledge it, and then I start praying and pleading for help an most importantly strength to overcome the feelings I am feeling. I also have to talk out my feelings to those who know me best and understand. As I have done these things, I have been given strength to stop feeling guilty, inadequate, and the depression starts to life. As I have exercised faith and started to act on that faith, I have felt the spirit confirm to me that I am on the right track and that I will be guided to know how and where to find the children that are meant to be mine.

Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning. He knows what is supposed to happen and not happen in our lives. When we have faith and trust in Him and His plan, He will not let us down. His plan is perfect and it is beautiful.

When it comes to my family, keeping the end in mind, make the trials along the way worth it.

The Parable of the Truck

 

Last summer my dad and brother were in a freak accident. They were hauling a trailer with two four wheelers up to my grandparents cabin for their annual fishing trip. Not far into their journey, they hit a bump in the road and the trailer jumped the truck hitch. Through a series of events, the trailer and the back of my dad’s truck caught fire. Miracles definitely occurred and the chains that were holding the trailer to the truck broke. With the help of others stopping to help, the fire in the back of my dad’s truck was able to be put out before more serious damage was done. Unfortunately, the trailer and four wheelers were a lost cause.

The damage to the truck, though pretty extensive, was fixable. After getting multiple quotes on how much it would cost to repair the truck, my dad opted to do most of the labor himself and only have others do what he couldn’t. Soon after the accident, my dad went to work on getting his truck back to looking like it did before the fire. It took a lot of work, long hours, and at times a lot of frustration. But after a couple of months, the truck was finally back to normal.

I think the trials in our life can at times be compared to the situation my dad and brother found themselves in last summer. How many times do we find ourselves traveling through life on a smooth road and then all of a sudden we hit a bump in that road and everything goes up in flames? How many times do we throw our hands up in the air and think our situation is beyond repair? I know that for me, it seems to be pretty often. I believe that if we take a step back we will find that even though what we are going through may look ugly, there is a way to make it through and come out shining once again. It won’t happen over night, even though we’d like it to. It will take a lot of work, patience, faith, hope, and trust in our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. Trials aren’t easy, they were never meant to be. In order to succeed and come out on top, we have to be willing to put in the effort and time that is required. Not only do we have to do our part and allow others to help where needed, but we also need to rely on our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Atonement. Jesus Christ, is what makes the difference. His Atonement is what cleanses us and allows us to become new again.

                                 

Christ Still Heals

 

Recently, after watching an episode of The Chosen, my dad talked to me about some things that I had actually been pondering for the last few months. In the particular episode we watched, the Savior healed a leaper and a man who had been paralyzed since birth. By healing these people, along with so many others throughout His ministry, the Savior was showing His power and His glory. Ultimately, He was showing who He was, The Son of God.

Since Christ has already come to earth and has shown His power and His glory, are we denied healing because He isn’t here in person to heal us? Of course not! While the Savior might not be on this earth physically, His power is still here. Any worthy male of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood, has the right to use Christ’s power to heal, if it is in accordance with the will of our Heavenly Father.

Over five and a half years ago, I was given a blessing of healing. The words of the blessing gave me comfort and I knew that the pain I was experiencing would go away. The pain didn’t go away. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and the pain still wasn’t gone. Not only was I experiencing pain, but it was getting worse and I didn’t know why, and my doctors didn’t know why. I was frustrated and didn’t understand why I hadn’t been healed. I had had faith that I would be healed, and I had felt that healing me was the will of the Father. So why wasn’t I healed? This question has been on my mind quite often for the last five years. It wasn’t that long ago that I finally got an answer.

I wasn’t healed immediately when I was given that first blessing of healing, because my Heavenly Father knew I needed to go through the experiences I did in order for me to grow and become the person He needed me to be. I needed to go through some of the most heart wrenching experiences so I could help others. I needed to experience them so I would know more of what my Savior went through. I needed to go through them so I could testify that both our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, are always right there with us and that they are in the details of our lives. I needed to go through what I did so I would know how strong I really am and how much stronger I could be with the help of my Savior. I needed to experience what I did so I would know how real and powerful the Atonement of Jesus Christ is.

Five years after receiving a blessing of healing, it finally happened. Anybody who knows what I’ve been through in the last five years, knows that I’ve had quite the challenge to get back on my feet and walking again. I am happy to say that I can walk, and what’s even better is that I can walk without the help or need of a cane or crutch to help keep my balance. I have had to work hard and push through pain and discouragement every day to get this far. I wear a brace that provides support for my foot and leg. I was strongly opposed to this brace in the beginning but now I love it. It has made such a difference in my walking ability and I will be forever grateful for the tech who recommended this particular brace for my needs. He was definitely inspired! Over the last year not only has my walking improved but so has my balance. I still struggle with staying upright, especially if it is dark, but I have come so far. I keep making improvements almost on a daily basis. There are things that just a month or so ago I couldn’t do and now I can. I may not be fully healed but in my eyes, I am healed. Everything is a work in progress, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be. I have come to accept that there are certain things that I will just struggle with for the rest of my life, and I’m perfectly fine with that. The fact that I have and am still making progress is all that matters.

I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for not healing me that Sunday in 2015. I am so grateful for the experiences I went through and the lessons they have taught me. I have seen miracles in my life, and I wouldn’t have experienced them without going through what I did. I can testify that Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives. I know that He loves us so much and wants what is best for us, and sometimes what is best for us, requires us to go through some pretty hard challenges. We are given trials for a reason, and if we will allow it, we can learn and grow so much from the things we experience and endure. I know that the Savior is always right there beside us. He is our advocate with the Father. We can trust Him! I love my Savior and know that I wouldn’t be here without Him.

WARNING: SOME OF THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE A LITTLE INTENSE, SO VIEW AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

 

 

                                  What my foot looked like before having any surgery.

Taylor Spatial Frame. I wore this frame for 3 1/2 months as it straightened out my foot.                      More surgery was required after I got out of it to keep my foot straight.

With my foot turning in due to a stroke and a tethered spinal cord, along with loosing the feeling in my left leg and foot, a part of the bottom of my foot died, which left me with this, an open sore. It took 2 months of wearing a Wound Vac 24/7, 79 hyperbaric oxygen therapy treatments, lots of collagen dressing added to the wound, a couple of grafts, and six months being off of it to heal. Normally this would have hurt like crazy but thanks to no feeling, it didn't hurt at all.

This is the brace I wear every day and it has done wonders in my ability to walk!

After sores on my ankle, the bottom of my foot, and one toe, a frame for 3 1/2 months, being in a wheelchair for 19 months, crutches for another year, a fracture in my Talus (one of the ankle bones) and a 2mm collapse of the same bone, my foot is now as straight as it can be. Getting to this point has been a journey!

 

Immediately

Two of my favorite accounts in the New Testament are found in Luke 8 and Matthew 14. I have always loved these accounts because the two people in these accounts exercised their faith in Jesus Christ and they were blessed because of it. As I have studied these accounts further, I found a new reason to love them even more.

In Luke 8, we read about the woman who had an issue of blood and how she was healed. This account is found in Luke 8:43-48.  

43. And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any,

44. Came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

45. And Jesus said, who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?

46. And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me.

47. And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.

48. And he said unto her, Daughter, be of good comfort: they faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.

In Matthew 14:25-31, we read about Peter walking on water to go out to meet the Savior.

25. And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

26. And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

27. But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28. And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29. And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith,  wherefore didst thou doubt?

So why do I love these accounts even more? In the account with the woman with an issue of blood, after she touches the hem of Jesus’s robe, she is immediately healed. In the account of Peter walking on water to go out to the Savior, he takes his eyes off the Savior and he starts to sink. He cried out and says, “Lord save me.” and immediately Jesus stretches out his hand to save him. I love these accounts and so many others in the New Testament, because the Savior immediately reached out his hand to heal and to save. He didn’t wait and think about whether these people deserved it, he immediately helped them.

Over the last few months, I have come to understand how much our Savior Jesus Christ loves each and every one of us. There have been so many times when I have cried out in anguish to him because of the things I was experiencing and didn’t know how I was going to make it through. Each time I would cry out to Him and ask that the pain be taken away, and each time, He immediately took it from me. My trials didn’t go away but the heartache I was feeling did go away, and I was given strength to keep moving forward despite not knowing when an end would be in sight.

Our Savior loves us so much. He is anxious to reach out and help us. Sometimes I think we think we do not deserve His help and that we need to face our challenges on our own. I have felt this way many times throughout my life, especially recently, but I have learned that that isn’t true. We aren’t meant to fight our battles on our own. We have a Savior who is eager and ready to help us through any and all trails we face. He is always going to be right there beside us. We just need to reach out to Him and let Him in.

I know that Jesus is the Christ. He is our older brother. He is our Savior and Redeemer. He knows exactly how to help us and if we let Him in, He will help us with everything we face. I am so grateful for my knowledge of this. I know that without it, I would never have made it as far as I have in my life. He truly wants what is best for each of us, and I know that if we will put our trust in Him, we will see miracles happen in our lives.

Acceptance

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and thought something negative about your body? For me it was this morning and then again this afternoon. Ok I’ll be honest, it’s probably every time I look in the mirror. I believe that the natural man inside of us along with society tells us that we need to look a certain way, or that our body needs to work a certain way. For me this is 100% true. I believe that my body needs to be a certain way, which is totally wrong.

The August 2019 Ensign is all about loving our bodies. This particular topic has been on my mind a lot since a former Relief Society President talked about loving our bodies and encouraged us to read the August Ensign. Believe it or not but I’ve always had a hard time accepting and loving my body.  Due to all the medical problems that I deal with on a daily basis, I have a tendency to look at my body negatively, which isn’t a good thing.

I would describe my body as “broken,” mainly because so many of the different systems in my body don’t always work correctly due to disease and other damage. It hasn’t been easy for me to accept everything that my body deals with, which is probably one of the reasons I have low self-esteem. Instead of accepting myself and all my “broken” parts, I worry about what other people may think of me when they see me, which deep down I know that is not what is happening.

Just looking at me most people wouldn’t know that I have heart problems which can make me pretty tired pretty quick. They wouldn’t know that my vascular system has had multiple vessels shut down and that more vessels can shut down at any time. They also wouldn’t know that I have a lot of neurological damage due to stroke and having a tethered spinal cord multiple times throughout my life. Not only has this neurological damage affected my walking, balance, and the position of my feet, but it has also affected my digestive system. Along with not knowing that these particular systems are affected most people wouldn’t know just by looking at me that I also struggle with major anxiety and depression.

Like I said earlier, I have a hard time accepting my body and all of the many problems that it has. I am still constantly learning how to manage all of these different problems and am trying my hardest to just accept who I am. It’s seriously a work in progress! There are a couple of things that I still have a really hard time with, and they might always be a struggle to accept. For one, my balance is something that I keep hoping will get better, and while it has to an extent it will never be what it was before my stroke and latest tethered spinal cord. I can no longer just stand still. As hard as I try I just end up walking back and forth trying my hardest not to fall over, and that’s normally when my husband steps in (if he’s around) and grabs onto me to steady me. I hate that I can’t steady myself and feel so self-conscious when I have to grab onto someone just so I can stand still. Second, my digestive system was damaged four years ago by my tethered spinal cord. I ended up loosing a lot of weight due to this damage and I can’t really gain it back. Over the years many people have commented on my weight and how skinny I am and how I need to gain some weight. What they don’t understand (because I haven’t told them because it’s uncomfortable to talk about) is that due to the neurological damage, I have to be extremely careful with what and how much I eat.  I can no longer eat the things that I really like because they make me really sick. I also can’t eat a lot of food because it also makes me really sick. I have learned that I have to exercise every day, or I get sick because of this damage. It has been extremely frustrating dealing with this challenge and sometimes I just go ahead and eat what I want and how much I want but then I always pay the price.

In the August 2019 New Era, President Russel M. Nelson said, “…the gift of our physical bodies is a transcendent miracle. A unique body is given to each of us by our loving Heavenly Father. He created it as a tabernacle for our spirits, to assist each of us in our quest to fulfill the full measure of our creation. Our bodies allow each of us to experience the great plan of salvation that He has designed for all His precious children.

…The marvel of our physical bodies is often overlooked or underappreciated. Who has not encountered feelings of low self-esteem because of physique or appearance? Many people wish their bodies could be more to their liking.

…Ponder the magnificence of what you see when you look in the mirror. Ignore the freckles, the unruly hair, or the blemishes, and look beyond to see the real you-a child of God, created by Him in His image.  When you sing “I Am a Child of God,” think of His gift to you of your own physical body.  The many amazing attributes of your body attest to your own “divine nature.””

When I read this message from President Nelson it really hit home to me. I don’t often stop and thank my Heavenly Father for MY unique body. When I really stop to think about how amazing MY body is, I am amazed and truly see it as a miracle.  While my body may have many “broken” parts, it still works. Through modern medicine a lot of my “broken” parts have been fixed and can continue to be fixed. For the other parts that can’t be fixed I have found ways to cope and make them work the best they can.

Our bodies truly are miracles and precious gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. I know that He wants each of His children to accept themselves and look beyond the mirror and see who they really are, His children. He loves each of us for who we are and that will never change. This is something I am constantly reminding myself of.

Even though I struggle with my self-image and wish so many parts of my “broken” body could be fixed right now, I know that I am a child of God. I know that I was created in His image and that the body I was given is a gift.

Leap of Faith

During the month of May I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting on the things that have transpired in my life over the last four years. Four years ago, I had a stroke that seemed to set off a reaction of multiple health problems. It has literally been one thing after another. While the last four years have been a challenge, they have also proved to be a great teaching opportunity, not only for me to learn but for others as well.

In the September 2007 Ensign, Elder David A. Bednar, shared a message titled “Seek Learning by Faith.” In his message he said, “Recall how the Israelites came to the river Jordan and were promised the waters would part, and they would be able to cross over on dry ground. Interestingly, the waters did not part as the children of Isreal stood on the banks of the river waiting for something to happen; rather, the soles of their feet were wet before the water parted. The faith of the Isrealites was manifested in the fact that they walked into the water before it parted. They walked into the river Jordan with a future-facing assurance of things hoped for.”

As I have thought about this account, I’ve reflected on how I’ve had to act on faith and “step into the water” on so many occasions during the last four years. I can honestly say that it hasn’t been easy. The last four years have been extremely challenging and at times more than I could bear. With the help from family and trust in a Father in Heaven that eventually everything would turn out alright, I started taking one step after another into the “water” hoping that it would part. Every time I took a step into the “water” it did part long enough to give me hope and a vision of what could be but then the “waters” returned, and I was left trying to get through them until they parted again.

My most recent leap of faith has occurred just within the last couple of days. I have been on crutches for the last six and a half months. I was told back in November 2018, that my Talus bone in my ankle was not only fractured but it had also collapsed on the lateral side about 2 mm. The fracture and collapse happened as a result of me just walking and having soft bones. It took about four months for the fracture to heal but I was allowed to start putting a little weight on my foot before it completely healed. For the last four months I have been putting a little weight on it each week, building up to the point where I could put full weight on it and start walking again. It’s been a long process full of hope, discouragement, tears, and every other kind of emotion you can think of. This last week I finally reached the point that I’ve been waiting and praying for.

For the last 6 ½ months my crutches have been my safety net. I’ve had to use them day in and day out to get where I wanted. I’ve hated them and couldn’t wait to get rid of them but when it came down to just using one crutch to get around and then no crutch, I couldn’t do it. I was so terrified that if I started walking without my crutches something bad was going to happen. After going through what I’ve been through for the past four years I didn’t want to leave my safety net and take a step out into the “water.” But despite how scared I’ve been I decided to take a leap of faith having hope that this time as I’ve taken the necessary steps, my foot won’t break, that I won’t develop sores on the bottom of my foot, and that I won’t end up on crutches in a month or more.

Sometimes we’re asked to do really hard things in life. At times the task may seem impossible and you just want to shrink away and not go through it. But I have learned that if you just take that leap of faith and step out into the “water” miracles are going to happen. I have seen that countless times in my life and I know that I will continue to see it throughout the rest of my life as I take those leaps of faith.

Over the last four years I have come to know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of each of his children and what they are going through. I don’t know how He does it, but He is always there for us. He loves us so much and knows that the things we experience in this life will be a blessing to us if we will let it. My love for my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ, has grown so much and I know that they live. When we do what we are asked to do, even when it seems impossible, we will be blessed.

You are Special

One of my favorite books is You Are Special by Max Lucado.  This story is about a Wemmick named Punchinello, who lives in a village full of other Wemmicks who go around putting stickers of stars or dots on each other based on their looks and their talents.  They get stars if their wood is shinny or they can do special things.  Dots are given to the Wemmicks whose wood is chipped, who can’t do anything special, or end up making a fool of themselves.  Punchinello has received many dots and ends up feeling down about himself. One day he meets a Wemmick named Lucia, who doesn’t have any stars or dots.  It wasn’t like the other Wemmicks didn’t try to give her stars or dots, they just wouldn’t stick.  Punchinello asks Lucia why the stickers don’t stick when others try and give them to her.  She tells Punchinello that she goes and sees Eli, the woodcarver, every day and that he should go see Eli too. So, Punchinello decides to go and see Eli and find out for himself why the stickers don’t stick to Lucia.

I feel like in some ways we are all like Punchinello but strive to be Lucia.  We all want to do and be our best.  We want to be recognized by others for the good we’re doing, and that’s normal.  But sometimes I feel like we define ourselves based on what others think of us instead of defining ourselves based on what our Heavenly Father thinks of us.  I know that for me I tend to let other people define me or I define myself with labels that stick to me like the stickers in the story.

 What do these labels look like?  They look different for everyone based on each person’s unique journey.  For me, some of my labels include: “expensive,” “perfectionism,” “not smart enough,” “not talented enough,” “too many medical problems,” “always be happy,” “I’m a burden to others,” “I don’t deserve the same things as other people,” “I don’t deserve to be loved the way I am,” “not a great communicator,” and “not good enough overall.” 

Labeling ourselves is one of the worst things we can do, yet I feel like we all do it even when we know we shouldn’t.  I am guilty of doing this and I do it all the time.  I tend to care more about what others think of me and that causes a lot of weight on my shoulders and it affects how I think, what I say, and what I do. I don’t give myself enough credit for all the good things that I’m doing or all the things I have conquered and overcome in my life. I know the adversary likes it when we’re hard on ourselves, when we don’t think we’re good enough.  He loves to see us struggle and works so hard to get us to forget who we really are, children of God.

Towards the end of the book, You Are Special, Punchinello goes to see the woodcarver, Eli.  He gets to the workshop, gets nervous and turns to leave when he hears Eli call his name. Punchinello asks, “You know my name?” Eli responds, “Of course I do. I made you.” Eli picks Punchinello up off the floor and sets him on the bench. Eli recognizes that Punchinello has a lot of dots.  Punchinello apologizes for having all the dots and Eli says, “Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.” “You don’t?” replies Punchinello. “No and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They’re Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn’t matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.” Punchinello asks Eli why he’s special since he can’t do certain things. Eli responds, “Because you’re mine. That’s why you matter to me.” Eli goes on to explain that Lucia comes to see him everyday and that the stickers don’t stick to her because she has decided that what He thinks of her is more important than what the other Wemmicks think of her.  Eli tells Punchinello to come and see him every day and then leaves him with these final words, “Remember, you are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.”

I love this story because it relates so well to each and every one of us. I feel like we sometimes get lost on our journey through this mortal life. We are constantly bombarded with the noise of the world and we can get caught up in thinking that we’re not good enough. We put labels on ourselves and we start believing those labels, which in turn affects how we think and the things we do. Just like the woodcarver in the story, we have a Father in Heaven who loves us more than we can ever comprehend. He doesn’t like to see us hurting.  He doesn’t want us labeling or comparing ourselves to others because He created us to be the unique individuals we are.  He wants us to care more about what He thinks of us than what others think of us.  I know that each one of us is special to our Maker because He made us, and He doesn’t make mistakes.