Acceptance

When was the last time you looked in the mirror and thought something negative about your body? For me it was this morning and then again this afternoon. Ok I’ll be honest, it’s probably every time I look in the mirror. I believe that the natural man inside of us along with society tells us that we need to look a certain way, or that our body needs to work a certain way. For me this is 100% true. I believe that my body needs to be a certain way, which is totally wrong.

The August 2019 Ensign is all about loving our bodies. This particular topic has been on my mind a lot since a former Relief Society President talked about loving our bodies and encouraged us to read the August Ensign. Believe it or not but I’ve always had a hard time accepting and loving my body.  Due to all the medical problems that I deal with on a daily basis, I have a tendency to look at my body negatively, which isn’t a good thing.

I would describe my body as “broken,” mainly because so many of the different systems in my body don’t always work correctly due to disease and other damage. It hasn’t been easy for me to accept everything that my body deals with, which is probably one of the reasons I have low self-esteem. Instead of accepting myself and all my “broken” parts, I worry about what other people may think of me when they see me, which deep down I know that is not what is happening.

Just looking at me most people wouldn’t know that I have heart problems which can make me pretty tired pretty quick. They wouldn’t know that my vascular system has had multiple vessels shut down and that more vessels can shut down at any time. They also wouldn’t know that I have a lot of neurological damage due to stroke and having a tethered spinal cord multiple times throughout my life. Not only has this neurological damage affected my walking, balance, and the position of my feet, but it has also affected my digestive system. Along with not knowing that these particular systems are affected most people wouldn’t know just by looking at me that I also struggle with major anxiety and depression.

Like I said earlier, I have a hard time accepting my body and all of the many problems that it has. I am still constantly learning how to manage all of these different problems and am trying my hardest to just accept who I am. It’s seriously a work in progress! There are a couple of things that I still have a really hard time with, and they might always be a struggle to accept. For one, my balance is something that I keep hoping will get better, and while it has to an extent it will never be what it was before my stroke and latest tethered spinal cord. I can no longer just stand still. As hard as I try I just end up walking back and forth trying my hardest not to fall over, and that’s normally when my husband steps in (if he’s around) and grabs onto me to steady me. I hate that I can’t steady myself and feel so self-conscious when I have to grab onto someone just so I can stand still. Second, my digestive system was damaged four years ago by my tethered spinal cord. I ended up loosing a lot of weight due to this damage and I can’t really gain it back. Over the years many people have commented on my weight and how skinny I am and how I need to gain some weight. What they don’t understand (because I haven’t told them because it’s uncomfortable to talk about) is that due to the neurological damage, I have to be extremely careful with what and how much I eat.  I can no longer eat the things that I really like because they make me really sick. I also can’t eat a lot of food because it also makes me really sick. I have learned that I have to exercise every day, or I get sick because of this damage. It has been extremely frustrating dealing with this challenge and sometimes I just go ahead and eat what I want and how much I want but then I always pay the price.

In the August 2019 New Era, President Russel M. Nelson said, “…the gift of our physical bodies is a transcendent miracle. A unique body is given to each of us by our loving Heavenly Father. He created it as a tabernacle for our spirits, to assist each of us in our quest to fulfill the full measure of our creation. Our bodies allow each of us to experience the great plan of salvation that He has designed for all His precious children.

…The marvel of our physical bodies is often overlooked or underappreciated. Who has not encountered feelings of low self-esteem because of physique or appearance? Many people wish their bodies could be more to their liking.

…Ponder the magnificence of what you see when you look in the mirror. Ignore the freckles, the unruly hair, or the blemishes, and look beyond to see the real you-a child of God, created by Him in His image.  When you sing “I Am a Child of God,” think of His gift to you of your own physical body.  The many amazing attributes of your body attest to your own “divine nature.””

When I read this message from President Nelson it really hit home to me. I don’t often stop and thank my Heavenly Father for MY unique body. When I really stop to think about how amazing MY body is, I am amazed and truly see it as a miracle.  While my body may have many “broken” parts, it still works. Through modern medicine a lot of my “broken” parts have been fixed and can continue to be fixed. For the other parts that can’t be fixed I have found ways to cope and make them work the best they can.

Our bodies truly are miracles and precious gifts from a loving Heavenly Father. I know that He wants each of His children to accept themselves and look beyond the mirror and see who they really are, His children. He loves each of us for who we are and that will never change. This is something I am constantly reminding myself of.

Even though I struggle with my self-image and wish so many parts of my “broken” body could be fixed right now, I know that I am a child of God. I know that I was created in His image and that the body I was given is a gift.

Leap of Faith

During the month of May I have done a lot of thinking and reflecting on the things that have transpired in my life over the last four years. Four years ago, I had a stroke that seemed to set off a reaction of multiple health problems. It has literally been one thing after another. While the last four years have been a challenge, they have also proved to be a great teaching opportunity, not only for me to learn but for others as well.

In the September 2007 Ensign, Elder David A. Bednar, shared a message titled “Seek Learning by Faith.” In his message he said, “Recall how the Israelites came to the river Jordan and were promised the waters would part, and they would be able to cross over on dry ground. Interestingly, the waters did not part as the children of Isreal stood on the banks of the river waiting for something to happen; rather, the soles of their feet were wet before the water parted. The faith of the Isrealites was manifested in the fact that they walked into the water before it parted. They walked into the river Jordan with a future-facing assurance of things hoped for.”

As I have thought about this account, I’ve reflected on how I’ve had to act on faith and “step into the water” on so many occasions during the last four years. I can honestly say that it hasn’t been easy. The last four years have been extremely challenging and at times more than I could bear. With the help from family and trust in a Father in Heaven that eventually everything would turn out alright, I started taking one step after another into the “water” hoping that it would part. Every time I took a step into the “water” it did part long enough to give me hope and a vision of what could be but then the “waters” returned, and I was left trying to get through them until they parted again.

My most recent leap of faith has occurred just within the last couple of days. I have been on crutches for the last six and a half months. I was told back in November 2018, that my Talus bone in my ankle was not only fractured but it had also collapsed on the lateral side about 2 mm. The fracture and collapse happened as a result of me just walking and having soft bones. It took about four months for the fracture to heal but I was allowed to start putting a little weight on my foot before it completely healed. For the last four months I have been putting a little weight on it each week, building up to the point where I could put full weight on it and start walking again. It’s been a long process full of hope, discouragement, tears, and every other kind of emotion you can think of. This last week I finally reached the point that I’ve been waiting and praying for.

For the last 6 ½ months my crutches have been my safety net. I’ve had to use them day in and day out to get where I wanted. I’ve hated them and couldn’t wait to get rid of them but when it came down to just using one crutch to get around and then no crutch, I couldn’t do it. I was so terrified that if I started walking without my crutches something bad was going to happen. After going through what I’ve been through for the past four years I didn’t want to leave my safety net and take a step out into the “water.” But despite how scared I’ve been I decided to take a leap of faith having hope that this time as I’ve taken the necessary steps, my foot won’t break, that I won’t develop sores on the bottom of my foot, and that I won’t end up on crutches in a month or more.

Sometimes we’re asked to do really hard things in life. At times the task may seem impossible and you just want to shrink away and not go through it. But I have learned that if you just take that leap of faith and step out into the “water” miracles are going to happen. I have seen that countless times in my life and I know that I will continue to see it throughout the rest of my life as I take those leaps of faith.

Over the last four years I have come to know without a doubt that Heavenly Father is aware of each of his children and what they are going through. I don’t know how He does it, but He is always there for us. He loves us so much and knows that the things we experience in this life will be a blessing to us if we will let it. My love for my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ, has grown so much and I know that they live. When we do what we are asked to do, even when it seems impossible, we will be blessed.

You are Special

One of my favorite books is You Are Special by Max Lucado.  This story is about a Wemmick named Punchinello, who lives in a village full of other Wemmicks who go around putting stickers of stars or dots on each other based on their looks and their talents.  They get stars if their wood is shinny or they can do special things.  Dots are given to the Wemmicks whose wood is chipped, who can’t do anything special, or end up making a fool of themselves.  Punchinello has received many dots and ends up feeling down about himself. One day he meets a Wemmick named Lucia, who doesn’t have any stars or dots.  It wasn’t like the other Wemmicks didn’t try to give her stars or dots, they just wouldn’t stick.  Punchinello asks Lucia why the stickers don’t stick when others try and give them to her.  She tells Punchinello that she goes and sees Eli, the woodcarver, every day and that he should go see Eli too. So, Punchinello decides to go and see Eli and find out for himself why the stickers don’t stick to Lucia.

I feel like in some ways we are all like Punchinello but strive to be Lucia.  We all want to do and be our best.  We want to be recognized by others for the good we’re doing, and that’s normal.  But sometimes I feel like we define ourselves based on what others think of us instead of defining ourselves based on what our Heavenly Father thinks of us.  I know that for me I tend to let other people define me or I define myself with labels that stick to me like the stickers in the story.

 What do these labels look like?  They look different for everyone based on each person’s unique journey.  For me, some of my labels include: “expensive,” “perfectionism,” “not smart enough,” “not talented enough,” “too many medical problems,” “always be happy,” “I’m a burden to others,” “I don’t deserve the same things as other people,” “I don’t deserve to be loved the way I am,” “not a great communicator,” and “not good enough overall.” 

Labeling ourselves is one of the worst things we can do, yet I feel like we all do it even when we know we shouldn’t.  I am guilty of doing this and I do it all the time.  I tend to care more about what others think of me and that causes a lot of weight on my shoulders and it affects how I think, what I say, and what I do. I don’t give myself enough credit for all the good things that I’m doing or all the things I have conquered and overcome in my life. I know the adversary likes it when we’re hard on ourselves, when we don’t think we’re good enough.  He loves to see us struggle and works so hard to get us to forget who we really are, children of God.

Towards the end of the book, You Are Special, Punchinello goes to see the woodcarver, Eli.  He gets to the workshop, gets nervous and turns to leave when he hears Eli call his name. Punchinello asks, “You know my name?” Eli responds, “Of course I do. I made you.” Eli picks Punchinello up off the floor and sets him on the bench. Eli recognizes that Punchinello has a lot of dots.  Punchinello apologizes for having all the dots and Eli says, “Oh, you don’t have to defend yourself to me, child. I don’t care what the other Wemmicks think.” “You don’t?” replies Punchinello. “No and you shouldn’t either. Who are they to give stars or dots? They’re Wemmicks just like you. What they think doesn’t matter, Punchinello. All that matters is what I think. And I think you are pretty special.” Punchinello asks Eli why he’s special since he can’t do certain things. Eli responds, “Because you’re mine. That’s why you matter to me.” Eli goes on to explain that Lucia comes to see him everyday and that the stickers don’t stick to her because she has decided that what He thinks of her is more important than what the other Wemmicks think of her.  Eli tells Punchinello to come and see him every day and then leaves him with these final words, “Remember, you are special because I made you. And I don’t make mistakes.”

I love this story because it relates so well to each and every one of us. I feel like we sometimes get lost on our journey through this mortal life. We are constantly bombarded with the noise of the world and we can get caught up in thinking that we’re not good enough. We put labels on ourselves and we start believing those labels, which in turn affects how we think and the things we do. Just like the woodcarver in the story, we have a Father in Heaven who loves us more than we can ever comprehend. He doesn’t like to see us hurting.  He doesn’t want us labeling or comparing ourselves to others because He created us to be the unique individuals we are.  He wants us to care more about what He thinks of us than what others think of us.  I know that each one of us is special to our Maker because He made us, and He doesn’t make mistakes.

Blessings All Around Us

Everyone on this earth has a unique journey they must go through.  At times the journey may be easy and other times it might be more than you think you can possibly endure.  You may cry out in anger about why you must go through a particular trial, and I think that that is perfectly natural because we cannot see what God can.  I believe that when we’re stuck in the middle of a trial, it’s harder for us to see the blessings that are all around us. But if we open our eyes long enough, we might just be able to see some of the blessings that are ours that are given to us by a loving and wise Father in Heaven who loves us more than we can comprehend.

Over the last few months I have tried to stop and take a step back to see all the blessings that are around me as I have been going through another very difficult trial.  Since being back on crutches (three months now) I have had to encounter some difficult things and make decisions I never dreamed I would have to make.  As I was experiencing these things, I didn’t take the time to see the blessings that were coming to me, instead I tended to look at the negative and wonder why these things were happening to me.  It took me a couple of months to realize the blessings that were all around me.  The blessings that I received helped me once again know for a fact that Heavenly Father is always there for me and loves me and will bless me with the things that I need to make it through the hard times.

After finding out that my Talas had fractured in my foot, my orthopedic surgeon wanted me to start taking a medicine called Forteo.  Forteo helps your body produce more osteoblasts to grow more bone and is mainly used to treat osteoporosis in men and women who are at risk for fracture.  I’ve lost bone density so the hope was that by taking Forteo, new bone would grow in my foot and my foot would become stronger.  In theory this medicine sounded like a good option, at least that is until we started doing research on it.  Foreto has a lot of things going against it which made me think twice about taking it.  For one, it’s a daily injection that has some not so great side effects.  It can cause nerve pain, heartburn, back spasms, and bone cancer (all things I didn’t want to have to deal with).  Two, there is no way to target bone growth in a specific area.  The new bone can grow anywhere in the body, but it mainly grows in the spine.  Three, if insurance won’t cover the cost it’s about $1,500 a month and you can’t take it for more than a total of two years during your entire life.  All these things combined made me very leery of this medicine and I decided that I really didn’t want it.  As I prayed about it, I got an uneasy feeling and each time the name Forteo was brought up it just didn’t feel right.  As I think about it now, I know that Heavenly Father was guiding me on what I should do when it came to getting the bone density in my foot back.  Medicine has come a long way, but this medication was not for me and it was not the answer to getting my bone density back.

So where were the blessings? I believe one of the biggest blessings from this experience was that because there is so much medical knowledge available, I was able to be prepared to discuss my options with the Sports Medicine doctor who prescribes Forteo to those who need it.  As we talked during our consultation, I had a strong feeling that I was not supposed to take Forteo.  I had my answer that no matter what I wouldn’t take this medication, but I still agreed to go through the process to see if my insurance would even cover it.  When my insurance company came back saying they wouldn’t cover the cost because I didn’t meet the general requirements, I was so relieved and again felt another confirmation that I wasn’t supposed to take this medication.  I don’t know what would have happened in the long term if I had started taking Forteo, but I have to believe that it wouldn’t have been good.

Soon after I got engaged, I met with a high-risk OB/GYN to discuss my options about having kids.  Growing up with heart problems I was always told by my cardiologist that when I had kids, I would be considered high risk, but my problems wouldn’t stop me from having kids.  In 2011, I had to have my aortic valve replaced and my surgeon asked me if I was planning on having kids.  When I told him yes, he agreed to put in a tissue valve instead of a mechanical one so that having kids would be possible.  Fast-forward seven years and I found myself sitting in a consultation room, being told by the high-risk OB that given my complex medical history I couldn’t have kids because the danger was too high.  When I had my valve replaced back in 2011, I had yet to have a stroke, vascular problems, an undiagnosed genetic disorder, and a history of bleeding.  Because of everything that has come about in the last few years I am now at an even higher risk than if I was just dealing with my heart problems (which are complex in and of themselves). The doctor told me that if I were to get pregnant the chances of me either becoming permanently disabled or not even making it through the pregnancy were extremely high.  He also told me that if I ended up getting pregnant, I would have to abort the baby because of the danger it would bring to me.   We discussed some of the very few options I had, and he told me that he would be talking with my cardiologist, vascular surgeon, neurologist, and two other highly recognized doctors at a convention he was talking at the following week, to get their take on me having kids.   Even though I knew deep down that I needed to adopt (and have known for years) I still left that appointment discouraged and feeling like my limited options were going to make me seem like a bad person and that I was letting my fiancé, future family, and Heavenly Father down. 

The blessings from this experience took a while for me to recognize and to be honest I’m still in the process of recognizing them.  I feel like one of the biggest blessings that I have received from this experience is the support and love I have felt from my fiancé, family, and especially my Heavenly Father.  Another blessing came soon after my OB got back to me after talking with all these doctors.  He told me that they all agreed that I shouldn’t have kids because my risk was too high.  I was once again given my options and told that he would be there to help me no matter what option I chose. As I talked with my mom, she gave me some counsel that she was given when her doctors told her not to have any more kids (this was after my older brother was born).  She told me to fast and pray about it. My fiancé and I were going to be going to the temple the next day, so I decided to start fasting about the decision I had come up with and take it to the temple. As my fiancé and I drove to the temple we discussed our options and as I was in the temple, I received my answer.  A blessing I recognized quickly was that my fiancé and I could start making hard decisions together as long as we both included the Lord in our counsel.  I know that this will be a continued blessing throughout our marriage.

Knowing that I physically can’t have kids has been hard on me, but I have received countless confirmations that I am supposed to have my family through adoption. These confirmations I have received have truly been a blessing to me.  They have reaffirmed that Heavenly Father has a plan for my life, and He is unfolding it to me piece by piece.    

When we have to pass through a difficult trial it can be hard to recognize the blessings that are being poured out to us.  We may sometimes feel like Heavenly Father doesn’t care about us.  We may even feel abandoned and completely alone, but I know that we are never alone.  We have a loving Heavenly Father who is so aware of us and what we are going through.  Not only do we have a loving Heavenly Father, but we also have our Savior, Jesus Christ, who knows exactly what each one of us are going through and what we are feeling.  He has taken upon himself our pains and afflictions so that He can succor us.  If we will let Him, He will lift us up and give us the strength so that we can make it through any trial that comes our way.

There are blessings all around us and while they may be difficult to see, if we will take a step back and open our eyes, we will be able to see just how much we are loved by our Heavenly Father.

Doubt not, but be believing

A few days ago, I came across a question that has stayed with me and has been on my mind constantly. Elder Dale G. Renlund, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, asked this question on his Facebook page, “When was there a time in your life when you’ve had to doubt not, but be believing?” When I saw this question, it made me stop and really think about a time I’ve had to doubt not but be believing.  As I thought about it, I realized that at this very moment I am having to doubt not but be believing.

Back in July of 2018, I finally started walking again after months/years of not being able to.  I was excited and determined to get to the point where I was before I had my stroke and problems with my spinal cord.  I knew it would take hard work and dedication, but I knew I could get there because that was what I really wanted. If you know me, you’ll know that I’m stubborn and determined when I really want something, especially when it comes to my health. So, I started working on walking, getting stronger, and being able to be around others without feeling like I was going to fall.  It took some time, but I eventually got there.  I could finally walk without having to use a crutch to keep me balanced, and I could be in public without completely feeling like I was going to fall over.  I finally started feeling like my life was getting back on track and that I had reached the light at the end of a very long tunnel.  But then out of nowhere, that tunnel collapsed, and I could no longer see the light. 

At the end of October 2018, I went in for a CT scan on my foot and to also have a Botox injection that would hopefully help the muscles in my leg stop being so tight and pulling my foot in an outward position.  The day after my CT scan my orthopedic surgeon called (it’s never a good sign when this happens) and told me that my bones were collapsing and to limit my walking for the next few days until I could get into clinic again.  I followed up in clinic five days after he called me, the news wasn’t good.  The talas bone (one of the bones that makes up the lower part of the ankle joint) was fractured and collapsing.  The screw that was in my heel had also shifted and needed to come out before I could start walking again or it could move into my joint and cause a lot of damage.  So, I was put back on crutches for 6-7 weeks and told that I’d have another CT scan at that time to check if the fracture was healed. Then right after I had the CT scan, I would have surgery to take the screw out of my heel.

I was devastated that I had to go back on crutches, I didn’t understand why this was happening.  I had gotten engaged the day before and I tried to have faith that this fracture would be healed so I could be walking by the time I got married on March 29,2019.  I had a lot happen right after I ended up back on crutches and in the back of my head, I started to have doubts that I would be walking by the time I hoped to get married.  These doubts were constantly entering my mind until one day in December when I had an experience that made me realize that I needed to have complete faith in my Father in Heaven that everything would be okay and work out for my benefit.  So, from that day on I started to have faith that everything was going to work out and that I would get good news when I went in for the CT scan.

The day of my CT scan and surgery finally came.  I had the CT scan and I was pretty confident that everything was healed because it didn’t hurt to stand and put weight on my foot like it had 7 weeks previous.  As I was getting ready for the surgery my surgeon came in and told me that it looked like the bone was healed but he was also biased so he wanted to get the radiologists opinion.  I got excited when I heard him say it was healed and that there was a good chance that I could be up and walking by the time I hoped to get married. 

The surgery went good and not only did I get the screw taken out, but my surgeon also lengthened one of my tendons to help my foot relax and go back into a neutral position.  I woke up from surgery confident that that was the last surgery I’d have on my foot, only to have my hopes dashed again.  As my nurse was talking to my dad and I, my dad informed me that my facture wasn’t completely healed and that I still had at least one more surgery to go.  My hopes of being able to walk by the time I got married in March were shattered.  I was informed that I would be off my foot for another 4-6 weeks.  After that time, I’d have another CT scan and if the fracture was healed then I could go ahead and have the next surgery on my foot.  My foot is still somewhat deformed so I will be having a subtalar fusion which will hopefully make it so my foot is straighter. Recovering from a subtalar fusion is at least 8 weeks and then I have to slowly start introducing weight back onto my foot over a period of time before I will be able to put full weight on it.

As I started to process everything that was happening, I realized that I would not be able to get married in March, like I had planned on.  Actually, a lot of our plans have had to change as a result of my foot and it’s extremely frustrating.  I feel like I’ve gone through every stage of the grief cycle since getting the news, and coming to acceptance hasn’t been easy.  Despite not being able to get married in March, I know that my Father in Heaven is aware of me and my situation.  He knows exactly what I need and that everything is going to happen in His timetable.  While it’s frustrating not knowing exactly when things are going to get better, all I can do is have faith that it’s all going to work out for the best.  Right now, doubting is so much easier, but I know that if I put forth my faith, I’m not going to be let down and everything is going to turn out exactly as it’s supposed to.