One of my favorite movies is The Greatest Showman. I love the visual effects, the story line, and of course the music! One of my favorite songs from the movie is, “This is Me.” I love this song because I feel like I can relate to it in my own way. These are the lyrics to this song that I love the most:
....
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away; they say
No one'll love you as you are
....
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me
These particular lyrics resonate to me because all my life I have been scared to be seen by people. I have a lot of things wrong with me and I've always been scared that other people were going to judge me based on things that I cannot control. This fear has been a reality at different times throughout my life. I have been judged because of things I can't control, and that has always hurt. There are times when I can say with confidence that I don't care what people think of me, and then there are times when I am very self-conscious.
I have multiple scars and multiple health conditions. I have to wear a brace to help me walk, and as a result of a stroke, I walk with a limp. I can't balance and have to hold on to things to help me stay upright, especially if I am standing in one place. I have neurological problems that affect multiple organs/systems in my body. I get tired really fast and end up gasping for air when I push myself too hard because of my heart conditions. The vessels inside my body shut down whenever they want, and there is not much I can do about it accept exercise like crazy, hoping to stress my muscles so new collateral vessels will grown to help supply blood flow. I have a history of bleeding and blood clots. I have an undiagnosed connective tissue disorder, and as a result, my body has a hard time making collagen.
As a result of all of these problems, my doctors have told me that I cannot have kids. I was told that if I did get pregnant, I had a 70% chance of not ever making it to my third trimester, and even if I did, the pregnancy could do a lot of damage. After fasting, praying, and going to the temple, I felt that I needed to follow my doctor's advice and have surgery to make sure I couldn't get pregnant. While it was hard to take in, I knew that I was meant to have a family through the great blessing of adoption.
Despite the incredible experiences I've had in knowing that I will grow my family through adoption, there are times when I still feel an intense heaviness knowing that I cannot have kids naturally. There is a guilt that comes that cannot be explained, and an overwhelming fear of not knowing where to find the kids that have been prepared for me.
Sometimes, the sharpest words don't come from people, they come from the adversary. He loves to get us down. For me, this has been the case. I have felt inadequate, guilty, like I'm letting my husband down (even though I know he is 100% onboard with adoption), and have even let depression take over at time.
Drowning out the whisperings of the adversary and not letting them take over, is definitely not easy. For me, I have found that when those whisperings are starting to take over, I have to first acknowledge it, and then I start praying and pleading for help an most importantly strength to overcome the feelings I am feeling. I also have to talk out my feelings to those who know me best and understand. As I have done these things, I have been given strength to stop feeling guilty, inadequate, and the depression starts to life. As I have exercised faith and started to act on that faith, I have felt the spirit confirm to me that I am on the right track and that I will be guided to know how and where to find the children that are meant to be mine.
Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning. He knows what is supposed to happen and not happen in our lives. When we have faith and trust in Him and His plan, He will not let us down. His plan is perfect and it is beautiful.
When it comes to my family, keeping the end in mind, make the trials along the way worth it.
