This Is Me!

 

One of my favorite movies is The Greatest Showman. I love the visual effects, the story line, and of course the music! One of my favorite songs from the movie is, “This is Me.” I love this song because I feel like I can relate to it in my own way. These are the lyrics to this song that I love the most:

....

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away; they say

No one'll love you as you are

....

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

These particular lyrics resonate to me because all my life I have been scared to be seen by people. I have a lot of things wrong with me and I've always been scared that other people were going to judge me based on things that I cannot control. This fear has been a reality at different times throughout my life. I have been judged because of things I can't control, and that has always hurt. There are times when I can say with confidence that I don't care what people think of me, and then there are times when I am very self-conscious.

I have multiple scars and multiple health conditions. I have to wear a brace to help me walk, and as a result of a stroke, I walk with a limp. I can't balance and have to hold on to things to help me stay upright, especially if I am standing in one place. I have neurological problems that affect multiple organs/systems in my body. I get tired really fast and end up gasping for air when I push myself too hard because of my heart conditions. The vessels inside my body shut down whenever they want, and there is not much I can do about it accept exercise like crazy, hoping to stress my muscles so new collateral vessels will grown to help supply blood flow. I have a history of bleeding and blood clots. I have an undiagnosed connective tissue disorder, and as a result, my body has a hard time making collagen.

As a result of all of these problems, my doctors have told me that I cannot have kids. I was told that if I did get pregnant, I had a 70% chance of not ever making it to my third trimester, and even if I did, the pregnancy could do a lot of damage. After fasting, praying, and going to the temple, I felt that I needed to follow my doctor's advice and have surgery to make sure I couldn't get pregnant. While it was hard to take in, I knew that I was meant to have a family through the great blessing of adoption.

Despite the incredible experiences I've had in knowing that I will grow my family through adoption, there are times when I still feel an intense heaviness knowing that I cannot have kids naturally. There is a guilt that comes that cannot be explained, and an overwhelming fear of not knowing where to find the kids that have been prepared for me.

Sometimes, the sharpest words don't come from people, they come from the adversary. He loves to get us down. For me, this has been the case. I have felt inadequate, guilty, like I'm letting my husband down (even though I know he is 100% onboard with adoption), and have even let depression take over at time.

Drowning out the whisperings of the adversary and not letting them take over, is definitely not easy. For me, I have found that when those whisperings are starting to take over, I have to first acknowledge it, and then I start praying and pleading for help an most importantly strength to overcome the feelings I am feeling. I also have to talk out my feelings to those who know me best and understand. As I have done these things, I have been given strength to stop feeling guilty, inadequate, and the depression starts to life. As I have exercised faith and started to act on that faith, I have felt the spirit confirm to me that I am on the right track and that I will be guided to know how and where to find the children that are meant to be mine.

Heavenly Father knows the end from the beginning. He knows what is supposed to happen and not happen in our lives. When we have faith and trust in Him and His plan, He will not let us down. His plan is perfect and it is beautiful.

When it comes to my family, keeping the end in mind, make the trials along the way worth it.

The Parable of the Truck

 

Last summer my dad and brother were in a freak accident. They were hauling a trailer with two four wheelers up to my grandparents cabin for their annual fishing trip. Not far into their journey, they hit a bump in the road and the trailer jumped the truck hitch. Through a series of events, the trailer and the back of my dad’s truck caught fire. Miracles definitely occurred and the chains that were holding the trailer to the truck broke. With the help of others stopping to help, the fire in the back of my dad’s truck was able to be put out before more serious damage was done. Unfortunately, the trailer and four wheelers were a lost cause.

The damage to the truck, though pretty extensive, was fixable. After getting multiple quotes on how much it would cost to repair the truck, my dad opted to do most of the labor himself and only have others do what he couldn’t. Soon after the accident, my dad went to work on getting his truck back to looking like it did before the fire. It took a lot of work, long hours, and at times a lot of frustration. But after a couple of months, the truck was finally back to normal.

I think the trials in our life can at times be compared to the situation my dad and brother found themselves in last summer. How many times do we find ourselves traveling through life on a smooth road and then all of a sudden we hit a bump in that road and everything goes up in flames? How many times do we throw our hands up in the air and think our situation is beyond repair? I know that for me, it seems to be pretty often. I believe that if we take a step back we will find that even though what we are going through may look ugly, there is a way to make it through and come out shining once again. It won’t happen over night, even though we’d like it to. It will take a lot of work, patience, faith, hope, and trust in our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. Trials aren’t easy, they were never meant to be. In order to succeed and come out on top, we have to be willing to put in the effort and time that is required. Not only do we have to do our part and allow others to help where needed, but we also need to rely on our Savior, Jesus Christ, and His Atonement. Jesus Christ, is what makes the difference. His Atonement is what cleanses us and allows us to become new again.

                                 

Christ Still Heals

 

Recently, after watching an episode of The Chosen, my dad talked to me about some things that I had actually been pondering for the last few months. In the particular episode we watched, the Savior healed a leaper and a man who had been paralyzed since birth. By healing these people, along with so many others throughout His ministry, the Savior was showing His power and His glory. Ultimately, He was showing who He was, The Son of God.

Since Christ has already come to earth and has shown His power and His glory, are we denied healing because He isn’t here in person to heal us? Of course not! While the Savior might not be on this earth physically, His power is still here. Any worthy male of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, who holds the Melchizedek Priesthood, has the right to use Christ’s power to heal, if it is in accordance with the will of our Heavenly Father.

Over five and a half years ago, I was given a blessing of healing. The words of the blessing gave me comfort and I knew that the pain I was experiencing would go away. The pain didn’t go away. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, and the pain still wasn’t gone. Not only was I experiencing pain, but it was getting worse and I didn’t know why, and my doctors didn’t know why. I was frustrated and didn’t understand why I hadn’t been healed. I had had faith that I would be healed, and I had felt that healing me was the will of the Father. So why wasn’t I healed? This question has been on my mind quite often for the last five years. It wasn’t that long ago that I finally got an answer.

I wasn’t healed immediately when I was given that first blessing of healing, because my Heavenly Father knew I needed to go through the experiences I did in order for me to grow and become the person He needed me to be. I needed to go through some of the most heart wrenching experiences so I could help others. I needed to experience them so I would know more of what my Savior went through. I needed to go through them so I could testify that both our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, are always right there with us and that they are in the details of our lives. I needed to go through what I did so I would know how strong I really am and how much stronger I could be with the help of my Savior. I needed to experience what I did so I would know how real and powerful the Atonement of Jesus Christ is.

Five years after receiving a blessing of healing, it finally happened. Anybody who knows what I’ve been through in the last five years, knows that I’ve had quite the challenge to get back on my feet and walking again. I am happy to say that I can walk, and what’s even better is that I can walk without the help or need of a cane or crutch to help keep my balance. I have had to work hard and push through pain and discouragement every day to get this far. I wear a brace that provides support for my foot and leg. I was strongly opposed to this brace in the beginning but now I love it. It has made such a difference in my walking ability and I will be forever grateful for the tech who recommended this particular brace for my needs. He was definitely inspired! Over the last year not only has my walking improved but so has my balance. I still struggle with staying upright, especially if it is dark, but I have come so far. I keep making improvements almost on a daily basis. There are things that just a month or so ago I couldn’t do and now I can. I may not be fully healed but in my eyes, I am healed. Everything is a work in progress, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get to where I want to be. I have come to accept that there are certain things that I will just struggle with for the rest of my life, and I’m perfectly fine with that. The fact that I have and am still making progress is all that matters.

I will forever be grateful to my Heavenly Father for not healing me that Sunday in 2015. I am so grateful for the experiences I went through and the lessons they have taught me. I have seen miracles in my life, and I wouldn’t have experienced them without going through what I did. I can testify that Heavenly Father is in the details of our lives. I know that He loves us so much and wants what is best for us, and sometimes what is best for us, requires us to go through some pretty hard challenges. We are given trials for a reason, and if we will allow it, we can learn and grow so much from the things we experience and endure. I know that the Savior is always right there beside us. He is our advocate with the Father. We can trust Him! I love my Savior and know that I wouldn’t be here without Him.

WARNING: SOME OF THE FOLLOWING IMAGES ARE A LITTLE INTENSE, SO VIEW AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

 

 

                                  What my foot looked like before having any surgery.

Taylor Spatial Frame. I wore this frame for 3 1/2 months as it straightened out my foot.                      More surgery was required after I got out of it to keep my foot straight.

With my foot turning in due to a stroke and a tethered spinal cord, along with loosing the feeling in my left leg and foot, a part of the bottom of my foot died, which left me with this, an open sore. It took 2 months of wearing a Wound Vac 24/7, 79 hyperbaric oxygen therapy treatments, lots of collagen dressing added to the wound, a couple of grafts, and six months being off of it to heal. Normally this would have hurt like crazy but thanks to no feeling, it didn't hurt at all.

This is the brace I wear every day and it has done wonders in my ability to walk!

After sores on my ankle, the bottom of my foot, and one toe, a frame for 3 1/2 months, being in a wheelchair for 19 months, crutches for another year, a fracture in my Talus (one of the ankle bones) and a 2mm collapse of the same bone, my foot is now as straight as it can be. Getting to this point has been a journey!