A few days ago, I came across a question that has stayed
with me and has been on my mind constantly. Elder Dale G. Renlund, of the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, asked this question on his Facebook page, “When
was there a time in your life when you’ve had to doubt not, but be believing?”
When I saw this question, it made me stop and really think about a time I’ve
had to doubt not but be believing. As I
thought about it, I realized that at this very moment I am having to doubt not
but be believing.
Back in July of 2018, I finally started walking again after
months/years of not being able to. I was
excited and determined to get to the point where I was before I had my stroke
and problems with my spinal cord. I knew
it would take hard work and dedication, but I knew I could get there because
that was what I really wanted. If you know me, you’ll know that I’m stubborn
and determined when I really want something, especially when it comes to my
health. So, I started working on walking, getting stronger, and being able to
be around others without feeling like I was going to fall. It took some time, but I eventually got
there. I could finally walk without
having to use a crutch to keep me balanced, and I could be in public without
completely feeling like I was going to fall over. I finally started feeling like my life was
getting back on track and that I had reached the light at the end of a very
long tunnel. But then out of nowhere,
that tunnel collapsed, and I could no longer see the light.
At the end of October 2018, I went in for a CT scan on my
foot and to also have a Botox injection that would hopefully help the muscles
in my leg stop being so tight and pulling my foot in an outward position. The day after my CT scan my orthopedic
surgeon called (it’s never a good sign when this happens) and told me that my
bones were collapsing and to limit my walking for the next few days until I
could get into clinic again. I followed
up in clinic five days after he called me, the news wasn’t good. The talas bone (one of the bones that makes
up the lower part of the ankle joint) was fractured and collapsing. The screw that was in my heel had also shifted
and needed to come out before I could start walking again or it could move into
my joint and cause a lot of damage. So,
I was put back on crutches for 6-7 weeks and told that I’d have another CT scan
at that time to check if the fracture was healed. Then right after I had the CT
scan, I would have surgery to take the screw out of my heel.
I was devastated that I had to go back on crutches, I didn’t
understand why this was happening. I had
gotten engaged the day before and I tried to have faith that this fracture
would be healed so I could be walking by the time I got married on March
29,2019. I had a lot happen right after
I ended up back on crutches and in the back of my head, I started to have
doubts that I would be walking by the time I hoped to get married. These doubts were constantly entering my mind
until one day in December when I had an experience that made me realize that I
needed to have complete faith in my Father in Heaven that everything would be
okay and work out for my benefit. So,
from that day on I started to have faith that everything was going to work out
and that I would get good news when I went in for the CT scan.
The day of my CT scan and surgery finally came. I had the CT scan and I was pretty confident
that everything was healed because it didn’t hurt to stand and put weight on my
foot like it had 7 weeks previous. As I
was getting ready for the surgery my surgeon came in and told me that it looked
like the bone was healed but he was also biased so he wanted to get the
radiologists opinion. I got excited when
I heard him say it was healed and that there was a good chance that I could be
up and walking by the time I hoped to get married.
The surgery went good and not only did I get the screw taken
out, but my surgeon also lengthened one of my tendons to help my foot relax and
go back into a neutral position. I woke
up from surgery confident that that was the last surgery I’d have on my foot,
only to have my hopes dashed again. As
my nurse was talking to my dad and I, my dad informed me that my facture wasn’t
completely healed and that I still had at least one more surgery to go. My hopes of being able to walk by the time I
got married in March were shattered. I
was informed that I would be off my foot for another 4-6 weeks. After that time, I’d have another CT scan and
if the fracture was healed then I could go ahead and have the next surgery on
my foot. My foot is still somewhat
deformed so I will be having a subtalar fusion which will hopefully make it so
my foot is straighter. Recovering from a subtalar fusion is at least 8 weeks
and then I have to slowly start introducing weight back onto my foot over a
period of time before I will be able to put full weight on it.
As I started to process everything that was happening, I
realized that I would not be able to get married in March, like I had planned
on. Actually, a lot of our plans have
had to change as a result of my foot and it’s extremely frustrating. I feel like I’ve gone through every stage of the
grief cycle since getting the news, and coming to acceptance hasn’t been
easy. Despite not being able to get
married in March, I know that my Father in Heaven is aware of me and my
situation. He knows exactly what I need
and that everything is going to happen in His timetable. While it’s frustrating not knowing exactly
when things are going to get better, all I can do is have faith that it’s all
going to work out for the best. Right now,
doubting is so much easier, but I know that if I put forth my faith, I’m not
going to be let down and everything is going to turn out exactly as it’s
supposed to.
